My Testimony – By Alicia Cockerline
First off I want to thank you all for taking the time to read Brooke’s story these past couple months. For me, I can still see that beautiful smile that never faded regardless of the countless medical issues she had going on. These past few weeks have definitely been an emotional roller coaster for myself and the rest of the family going through Brooke’s story. I am writing the last article because this is my story—the story that changed my life.
As you read last week, the most tragic thing I think a parent can endure happened to us. We lost our child. Children should never leave this earth before their parents. A child should always outlive you as a parent. When Jason and I discussed prior to Brooke passing what it meant for us with having to navigate her care, her prognosis, etc. We always said if there is one person, just one that is touched by her life, then regardless of how long or short her life might be, it is worth it. God has a purpose for her. It is absolutely crazy and just astounds me how many people Brooke’s life touched and how many she still touches. So here is where I want to start telling you about what God did in my life through taking me to my knees.
I grew up in church all my life—I said I was a Christian. I went to church quite frequently and was very involved in church (as involved as we could be with Brooke). From what people saw on the outside it was true, and I was ok with that. When Brooke was alive, my life revolved around her. When March 20,2017 came my life no longer made sense, no longer had reason. There was a huge hole in my heart that I felt could never be filled. I was so consumed with grief that I couldn’t even be the mom that my beautiful, wonderful son Nathan needed. I repeated multiple times (and perhaps at some point I even used this line with you when you asked how I was), “I’m Fine”. Well I wasn’t; I was far from fine. I was in a downward spiral that I had no idea how to escape, and to be honest I am not sure I wanted to because I felt I had no reason to be here. I felt life had no purpose.
I remember after Brooke passed we threw ourselves into anything we could to stay busy to keep us occupied. If it was happening, we were there! Secretly though, I was drowning and too afraid to talk to anyone, not even my husband, even though he knew something was not quite right with me. I am sure numerous people knew I was not myself. One terrible night, after an awful fight, my husband Jason had to take pills from me before I could swallow them. After that, I knew something was not right at all and I needed help. My sister in laws mom- which is like another mom for me gave me a devotional on grief. She probably doesn’t know how much it meant to me.
Next, I saw my primary provider to get guidance and I started journaling my thoughts and feelings. I was feeling a little better. On one hand, I didn’t feel like I wanted to die, but I still felt completely empty and useless. Around this time, I was finishing up nursing school and placed all my emptiness on that, saying I was tired and stressed from my schooling. On Wednesday July 24, 2019, Nate was to be baptized and I had my final exam for nursing school. I learned before arriving at church that I passed my exams and would graduate as a nurse. I was happy yet not happy at the same time. If I try to explain it I can just say that I found breathing harder everyday. I felt like I was treading water with no end in sight.
At Church that evening, Harvey did the Lord’s supper prior to the Baptism service. He always reads 1 Corinthians 11:27-29 “Wherefore whosoever shall eat this bread, and drink this cup of the Lord, unworthily, shall be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord. But let a man examine himself, and so let him eat of that bread, and drink of that cup. For he that eateth and drinketh unworthily, eateth and drinketh damnation to himself, not discerning the Lord’s body.” After these words are said Harvey always gives people time to talk to God and make things right prior to us partaking in the Lord’s supper. I had no idea what exactly was going on, but I remember telling God I could not continue to live this way and I needed him to save me and make me knew, I needed my life renewed.
In an instant it was as if the weight I had been carrying was gone. I felt like I truly could breath for the first time ever. I had planned to keep this to myself because I was…embarrassed. I had been in church, I was helping with things in the church. “What would people think? What was my family going to think?” I was terrified about telling anyone, however God definitely had other plans.
The service came to an end and I went to get up and the first thing out of my mouth was to Harvey saying I got saved tonight. His face was mixture of shock and happiness. We chose to not tell the rest of the family (Jason of course knew)! We were leaving for vacation in a few days and while we were on vacation I told the entire family. I was never met with anything but love from family and friends.
I can not tell you I am perfect, or that I never mess up, or that everything is ok every day; if I did it would be a lie. I can say that everything will be ok because I know that God is the one in control of everything. I know the moment I take my last breath, I will be with Jesus. For anyone reading this that doesn’t know God as their Savior, someone who has never felt that peace, that has no clue where they will be when they take their last breath, I ask you, “What is holding you back?”
If you are someone like me who has been in church all your life and yet feel as lost as the person that has never heard the name Jesus, there is hope and its in Jesus! If you haven’t realized in what you have read already, God loves you immensely and is wanting you to come to Him. God is waiting to wrap his arms around you and give you peace that as cliché as it sounds. It is a peace that surpasses all. He will give you a joy that you have never known, and he will give you a smile; a smile to me that reminds me of Brooke. A smile to me that only God can give people. It says, I am loved, I am chosen, I am enough, I am forgiven—I have been saved.
Sometimes a smile can change a lot. I know Brooke never spoke but her smile said a lot, it changed a lot. Losing Brooke was the hardest thing in my life, but it ultimately put me right where God intended me, with Him.